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Alex90 Offline

Overkill Member

Beiträge: 692

06.07.2005 18:36
#571 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

Meine 5 jährige Schwester war heut bei der Vorschuluntersuchung und musste ein paar fragen beantworten und malen etc. was man da halt so macht.

Frage: Wer legt denn die Eier?
Meine Schwester: Die Hühner.

Frage: Was passiert denn, wenn ein Huhn auf ein Ei sitzen bleibt und nicht mehr runtergeht?
Meine Schwester: Dann wird das Ei schlecht.




Die Loveparade ist vorbei. Die Raver hinterliessen sage und schreibe 220 Tonnen Müll, die Musik noch nicht miteingerechnet.

R.i.p. dimebag

HeTill Offline

Admin, Inc.

Beiträge: 7.699

09.07.2005 13:24
#572 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten





There's innocence torn from its maker
And stillborn, the trust in you
This failure has made the creator
So would you tell him what to do

----
"Und nachts sind sie nicht mal im Stande gescheite nackte geile Weiber zu zeigen – nur so zensierte Erotik Kacke – wie Bier ohne Alkohol – der ganze Sender gehört ins All geschossen." (S.O.D über 9Live)

M o M Offline

Blackened Member


Beiträge: 58

11.07.2005 16:47
#573 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

des isch geil

METAL UP YOUR FUCKIN' ASS!!!!!!!

Alex90 Offline

Overkill Member

Beiträge: 692

14.07.2005 16:42
#574 RE:Re: WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

In Antwort auf:
von Lars Ulrich, am 9.05.01, 20:34
..ring-riinngg....ring-riinngg...ring-riinngg...ring-ri

Hallo

Hallo hier ist die Telefonseelsorge. Alles in Ordnung?
Wie?

Hier ist die Telefonseelsorge. Wir rufen mal vorsichtshalber rund, ob jemand Selbstmordabsichten hat.
Was! Um 3 Uhr morgens?

Das ist genau die richtige Zeit für so was. Da sind die meisten Leute gefährdet. Sie zum Beispiel! Sie haben doch offensichtlich Schlafstörungen.
So ein Quatsch.

Na hören Sie mal, andere Leute schlafen um diese Zeit und hängen nicht am Telefon rum.
Aber Sie haben mich doch angerufen.

Warum sprechen Sie denn so leise? Ich kann Sie kaum verstehen.
Es ist wegen meiner Frau. Ich will sie nicht wecken.

Ach. Haben Sie Geheimnisse vor Ihrer Frau? Es klappt wohl nicht so recht in Ihrer Ehe, wie?
Blödsinn. Natürlich klappt es.

Aber Sie haben sich nichts mehr zu sagen, oder? Still und stumm liegen Sie neben Ihr im Bett. Verstehen Sie das unter klappen?
Es ist 3 Uhr morgens!

Ich weiß. Und während Ihre Frau schläft - notgedrungen -, weil Sie ihr ja nichts zu sagen haben, gehen Sie unruhig auf und ab, weil Ihre Probleme Sie nicht schlafen lassen.
S i e lassen mich nicht schlafen!!!

Ach, jetzt erregen Sie sich! Ein einfacher Telefonanruf erregt Sie, während Ihre Frau Sie schon seit Wochen kalt lässt. Sie haben offensichtlich einen Haufen Probleme: wirtschaftliche, sexuelle, gesundheitliche....
Ich bin bei bester Gesundheit!

Mit Schlaflosigkeit und Erregungszuständen? Bleiben Sie ganz ruhig. Sie sind hochgradig selbstmordgefährdet. Merken Sie denn nicht, dass Sie am ganzen Leib zittern?
Ja, weil ich seit 5 Minuten im Pyjama auf dem Flur stehe.

Was suchen Sie denn auf dem Flur, machen Sie nichts Unüberlegtes.
Unser Telefon steht nun mal im Flur

Haben Sie Schlaftabletten im Haus?
Weiß ich nicht. Die verwahrt meine Frau.

Dann wecken Sie Ihre Frau. Menschenskind! Sofort wecken! Sie soll die Schlaftabletten in Sicherheit bringen. Machen Sie doch keine Dummheiten jetzt überlegen Sie es sich noch mal. Das Leben kann so schön sein. Für Sie natürlich nicht, krank wie Sie sind, verzweifelt, depressiv, aber machen Sie sich keine Sorgen, ich rufe Sie später noch mal an. Jetzt muss ich Schluss machen, es ist schon ziemlich spät.


loool, hab mal wieder langeweile und les mir den Thread nen bischen durch...


Die Loveparade ist vorbei. Die Raver hinterliessen sage und schreibe 220 Tonnen Müll, die Musik noch nicht miteingerechnet.

R.i.p. dimebag

S.O.D Offline

ME†AL MESSIAH


Beiträge: 6.630

14.07.2005 21:29
#575 RE:Re: WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

Ein Thread aus Hammer Forum

Frage : Was ist Mallcore ???
Antwort S.O.D : Mallcore = Mallorca-Hard-Core
Darauf dann
Antwort RexRocker : Harhar, das ballert, mann





Bye S•O•D - Webmaster of

http://www.paniczone-band.de©
Make your own Metal TV
http://www.mediaburialvideos.com/
http://www.antipopvideos.com/
http://www.hdpvidz.com/download.html
http://www.urbanchaosvideos.com/
Moderator für: PC/Mac Allgemein•Sites im Web•Radio und TV•Sport•andere Bands/Musiker
"Es gibt Besserwisser die nicht glauben das ich es besser weiss"
Originellster und witzigster User des Forums – mit der besten Signatur (Userwahl 2005)

Headbanger Offline

Overkill Member


Beiträge: 501

14.07.2005 21:37
#576 RE:Re: WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

versteh isch nät...
-----------------------------------------------------------
The love we share seems to go nowhere,
And I've lost my life,
For I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night.

S.O.D Offline

ME†AL MESSIAH


Beiträge: 6.630

14.07.2005 21:42
#577 RE:Re: WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

was gibt es da nicht zu verstehen ???

1. ist Mallcore sicherlich kein Hard Core aus Mallorca
und
2. gibt es auf Mallorca den Ballermann (Eimer saufen)

und Mallorca-Hard-Core, der ballert, mann



Bye S•O•D - Webmaster of

http://www.paniczone-band.de©
Make your own Metal TV
http://www.mediaburialvideos.com/
http://www.antipopvideos.com/
http://www.hdpvidz.com/download.html
http://www.urbanchaosvideos.com/
Moderator für: PC/Mac Allgemein•Sites im Web•Radio und TV•Sport•andere Bands/Musiker
"Es gibt Besserwisser die nicht glauben das ich es besser weiss"
Originellster und witzigster User des Forums – mit der besten Signatur (Userwahl 2005)

kuschel8 Offline

5th Horseman


Beiträge: 2.094

22.07.2005 00:46
#578 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

Die wahre Bedeutung der Altersbegrenzungen von Filmen ist:
ab 12 - der Held bekommt das Mädchen
ab 16 - der Brutale bekommt das Mädchen
ab 18 - jeder bekommt das Mädchen.
------------------------------------------------------------

Sehr gutes Forum in Sachen, PC help, Games und Interessantes mehr

Burden_of_Grief Offline

Comfortably Numb


Beiträge: 7.272

22.07.2005 01:04
#579 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

SOD , Harhar


<-----get fucking slaughtered http://www.totalravage.de

The city is guilty
The crime is life
The sentence is death
DARKNESS DESCENDS

Moderator in den Foren: Allgemeines, Personen, Community und Off- Topic

Nettester User und verrücktester(im netten Sinn) User hier im Forum

Helden leben lange, doch Legenden sterben NIE ! BO Forever !

Saber Rider Offline

Godfather of Metal


Beiträge: 6.461

24.07.2005 23:02
#580 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

The 101 rules of Progressive Metal:

1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only
progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical
intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but
only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical
intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on
the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the
grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the
mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a
true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is
NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in.
Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something
along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and
experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question
is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood
anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write
an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking
musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people,
preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing
out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song
under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist
and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell
him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away
defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn
all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not
optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why
would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool
riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8
every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog
metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans.
Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to get
the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive
release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4
chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can`t get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of
your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional
English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics
(see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the
following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I`m staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a
nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings` gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the
sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the
festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial
sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo,
regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being
prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t worry
if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg
bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory
instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of
his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument
like that!
40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not
being a true progressive musician.
43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince
you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is
thin and buzzy.
44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so...
unprog!
45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing
instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking **** about punk bands and
how people don`t understand your music.
46. Play a ****ty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of
the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good
choices, as is Erotomania.
47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey,
they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring
pop band win?
48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most
technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your
immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you
happen to frequent.
49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly
state that you "nail" the song in question.
50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule
49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your
recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don`t
need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you
don`t know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the
day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy
FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of
concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means
every time their name is mentioned.
54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
55. Do not move on stage. Don`t under any circumstances forget that nobody
at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named
sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking
musical inteli...Yeah, you`ve got it now, haven`t you?
58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence
ruled."
59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal
drummer. If they still insist, don`t kill them, but rather put on the Mike
Portnoy drum solo from 1993`s "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the
benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn`t more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious
and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock `n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have
no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually
like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
70. ALL HAIL HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I`m
talking about)

71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show
off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with
anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
72. Get a dog.
73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other
prog fans recognize your immense talent.
74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop
rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the
following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION
DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
76. What do you mean, you haven`t trigged your bassdrum?
77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive,
best example would be Pink Floyd.
78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you
prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording
engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least
once.
80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn
image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by
Travis Smith.
81. Write epics.
82. In case you didn`t know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a
legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza
shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don`t
display them?
85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on
the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell
him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan
arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having
heard every lick you are able to play.
88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent
music for intelligent people.
90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
91. BOOOM!!!
92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit
yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark
for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more
progressive it is.
97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This
is not optional.
98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of
pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy
on drums.
100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing
along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!


I want you to know I can't sleep anymore
By the night...by the night
Day after day I want you to say
That you are mine, you are mine

Master Of Puppetz ( Gast )
Beiträge: 1.548

25.07.2005 00:04
#581 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

Das ist ja mal geil! Ich glaub man hat wirklich jedes schlechte Klischee reingepackt was es nur gibt. Wo hast du das her ?

---------------------------------------------------------------
"Ich glaube, es gibt da draußen immer noch eine Menge Menschen, die völlig frustriert sind, über diese ganze Wegwerfkunst und besonders Wegwerfmusik und die hungrig nach etwas sind, das sie sich mal wieder richtig erobern können. Aber meistens sind diese Leute leider die Minderheit und man erhört sie nicht wirklich." (Danny Carey, Tool)

Saber Rider Offline

Godfather of Metal


Beiträge: 6.461

25.07.2005 00:42
#582 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

DT board.


I want you to know I can't sleep anymore
By the night...by the night
Day after day I want you to say
That you are mine, you are mine

Saber Rider Offline

Godfather of Metal


Beiträge: 6.461

01.08.2005 18:39
#583 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

Was ist die Rodeo- Stellung beim Sex?
Du nimmst sie von hinten, sagst ihr dass du HIV positiv bist und versuchst 5 Minuten drauf zu bleiben.


You are the laughing stock of the absent minded

Burden_of_Grief Offline

Comfortably Numb


Beiträge: 7.272

01.08.2005 21:22
#584 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

Nicht lustig.


<-----get fucking slaughtered http://www.totalravage.de

The city is guilty
The crime is life
The sentence is death
DARKNESS DESCENDS

Moderator in den Foren: Allgemeines, Personen, Community und Off- Topic

Nettester User und verrücktester(im netten Sinn) User hier im Forum

Helden leben lange, doch Legenden sterben NIE ! BO Forever !

huxel Offline

Stone Cold Member


Beiträge: 451

03.08.2005 21:48
#585 RE:WITZE!!!!!!!! antworten

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5-year
phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should
go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

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